X's on trees

Oh pooh. It's been a dreadfully long time. I thought I'd be writing here a lot more often since it's not school time right now, but I guess I've been distracting myself. I can hardly find the time to sit down and write something anymore.

I do actually have something worthwhile to write about today, but I just wanted to mention that I'm really liking this band called Fireworks. And you know, I was just thinking that this album cover:

Would look cool as a tattoo. Not on myself, of course. But it would make a nice tattoo, don't you think? Like, maybe with one of the lyrics from one of the songs next to it, or underneath it. I love that cover though. Simple, yet it gets the point of the album across. I have a feeling that this album is going to end up meaning a lot to me after some time. Basically, it deals with how as young people, we deal with a lot of messed up incidents that end up affecting us as adults. The album cover definitely represents that, and that's why I love it. Oh, and Big D and The Kids Table's new album has amazing cover art too. Check it out.

So, lately I've also been checking out some stuff from the Christian theologian G.K. Chesterton. I kind of see him as the hardcore, paradoxical C.S. Lewis. I wanted to discuss this particular quote from him: 

"When a man stops believing in God, he doesn't believe in nothing, he believes in anything."

Pwnage, am I right? It's one of his most popular quotes, and I love it. It's a very bold statement and it's entirely true.
One of my biggest pet peeves is when people say that they can be good without believing in any sort of higher power. The truth is, you can't. What those people are basically doing is taking morals from religion to fit their atheist lifestyle. Just think about it. What atheists roughly believe is that they are a pile of cells. What's the point to having morals if you're just a pile of cells? Why does it matter? It shouldn't. So far, I haven't seen a single good argument from an atheist regarding where their morals and principles come from. Of course, an atheist can just respond to this by saying that although our morals came from religion, it's not necessary anymore and it's a thing of the past. I've heard that argument before, and it's still ridiculous. If you want to see how invalid it is, just take a look at how quickly humanity's morale has gone down in recent years.
Not only that but,

"If there were no God, there would be no atheists."

Another Chesterton quote. I think I wrote about this once before. Let's just say that there's some people living in a dark room who have never seen sunlight. They wouldn't be able to say, "I don't believe in the light." Because they've never seen a single sign of light. There's never been a single indication of its existence. They haven't the faintest idea what it is. Disbelief is only born from seeing other people believe in something. People believe in God because there has been indication of His existence. No matter how much non-believers deny it, it's a fact.

We all know deep in our hearts that God exists. Every single human being who has ever lived has felt very deep in their hearts that there is a higher power. I know that for a fact. When I was an atheist, I of course was militant about my lack of belief and constantly denied His existence. However, I always felt something tugging at my heart and my mind. Something in me knew that there was a higher power. Not only that, I knew it wasn't just a higher power. It was a living, loving God. I denied that for about two years until I finally gave in. It's always going to be a mystery as to why more people don't give in to that desire to believe. It's pride, really. People don't want to be accused, or judged. We always want to believe we're right. That's why atheist converts make such great Christians. Because we've sinned so much. Therefore, once we acknowledge God for who He really is and we realize that He has forgiven us, we have a whole lot to be thankful for. I know I definitely do.

So, that's it. I just wanted to let that out. Remind me to update this more often.

See ya next entry~ 

you should know.

I haven't been writing here nearly as much as I want to. I miss it. I've been writing more on DeviantArt, but I can't get personal on there. Here I can, and that's why I still have this here.

Tomorrow, June 6th 2011, will be exactly one year since I had that terrible accident. Sorry if I mention it too much. I could be hurting some people by mentioning it too much. But the thing is, I'm not bothered by it. I used to be, but now I see it as a simple fact. It just happened. And I talk about it because I just feel that's what I have to do.

It's just weird, you know. Getting a skull fracture on a Sunday isn't what you expect on the verge of summer. I remember I missed the last week of school, and I was totally heartbroken. I wanted to go. I effing hate school, and waking up early and all that stuff. But I love seeing my friends. Cliche, but I'm being honest. It's what I look forward to. That's why I always get a bit sad and lonely during summer. It could be because I didn't have friends for such a big part of my life, or maybe it's because I'm just that big of an emotional blob. I feel blessed to get to see the few people I got close to this year. I don't think anyone is going to get why I'm so glad to be with them, but that's okay. I don't quite get it either.

What still bothers me however, is that not everyone knows the whole truth about all that stuff last year. I've got pieces of truth hanging around all over the place. Some people know bits and pieces, some know other bits and pieces. No one knows exactly everything. That's one thing I need to fix. Someday, I'll tell everyone everything. By everyone, I mean the people I'm close to. Ask me one of these days. Not in person though. Me and my self-conscious self can't manage that. I'll be happy to tell everyone everything. I feel comfortable enough now.

One thing I've wanted to mention though. It's that I didn't feel the least bit uncomfortable in the hospital. My three-day stay there was totally fine. What I mean is that I didn't feel sad. I bet everyone expected me too, but I didn't. One reason why is because I knew I was going to be okay. This next thing is going to make me sound like a completely horrible person. I actually felt loved there. That sounds totally dumb now, because I know I'm loved my a lot of great people. But last year I was convinced that wasn't true. The horrible thing is, even three days in the hospital still didn't convince me. It took a lot more than near-death to realize my blessings. But I'll save that for another day.

I guess what I wanted to say is that you should never forget what you have. Of course, no one realizes that until it's too late. It's sad. When I look back and realize all the things I had and all the good people I knew, it makes me feel like a fool. Because that's what I was. That's why I don't like to waste time now. And I cling on to every single moment and every single friend I've met. I've promised myself that I won't lock myself in like I did last summer. If you think I'm starting to break that promise, don't hesitate to tell me. Do me that favor. And the last thing I wanted to say was that I love you guys and thanks for being there.

Owen - "Most Days And..."
"Oh, I could just leave things
A lot more easily than you'd think
'Cause I've been known to retreat
Every few years
So what am I waiting for
Oh, it's sad
Oh, I know
Then youngness of my young man shows
So please accept my apology
And wait with me
Oh, I could just die now
And no one would really have to find out
'Cause I've been lying down for years
So what am I waiting for
Oh, it's sad
I see another man who I wanna be
Sympathy, honesty
God knows I'm trying"

See you next entry.

shed your skin, change your face

Sometimes I think I sound like a total sad sap. But hey, I try to always speak the truth. As my 15th birthday rolls around, I can't help but ponder on what I've learned in these past 15 years. It's weird. I've realized that most of my best moments have been solitary. I can't help but think how weird it is that I've grown alone all my life. I think that maybe to really grow you have to be alone. In fact, I'm pretty sure Jack Kerouac wrote about it. Still, I'm happy for the friendships I've made. The few real ones I've made.

And I'm glad that God has gotten rid of all the people who would have ruined me or led me away from Him. Even if maybe it hurt me at the time, the Lord knows who you are and knows what the best is. Just imagine if I had kept all those friendships that were corrupting me. I would most likely be dead. I came close to death last year. My mom told me to forget about that whole incident, but I don't think I completely want to. It's strange, but I think that pondering death makes us want to enjoy life more. Most importantly, simply the fact that I'm alive is a miracle. The doctors said that many patients die from skull fractures. I'm alive because God has a plan for me. He has one for you too, that's why we should always keep our eyes wide open.

Here's a little song that reminds of someone that really jacked up my life and my best friend's life too. It's "Bad News" by Owen. Check it out:

"Whatever it is you think you are, you aren't:
A good friend, unique, well read, good looking, or smart.
Well, now you know.

Well I hate to be the one to bear such bad news,
I know it hurts to hear but it's true;
You don't mean anything to anyone but me.
And even I think that you're blinded by conceit
So now you know,
The free beer and basement shows don't mean what they did.
It's what you do, not who you were,
What you wear, where you've been.
So do something.

Whoever you think is watching you dance from across the room they aren't.
If anything they feel sorry for you because you try so hard.
I know it hurts to hear but it's the truth.
So you might as well hear it from a friend.
You're a has-been that never was.
And I know it's mean to say
But it's something I've been meaning to say for awhile.
You're a has-been that never was or will be." 

Let's try to keep the unnecessary out of our lives. See ya next entry.

Have Heart - 10.17.09

Remember a long time ago I said I might post the text insert from my Have Heart vinyl? Well yeah, I said that. This is from the vinyl version of their live record, the last thing they ever released. It includes some of the band's history, but it's all very minor details that you can look up very quickly. Their singer is talking about hardcore here, but I think it can apply to all subcultures. I'll try to copy it word for word, despite the foul language. Enjoy!



"'As the spirit wanes, the form appears.'
The singer doesn't sing on the mic half the time. The video looks too foggy. The guitarists play some sour notes. The sound quality is off...These, in my humble opinion, are the complaints of this little document from someone who either doesn't fully relate to the true essence of hardcore, or was not present at the Club Lido, on the 17th of October in 2009. I ensure you this isn't some trumped-up shithead excuse for HH's lack of professionality. This is more of an explanation of why I would like to consider this document of our funeral as a band, fully equipped with blemishes and flaws, is my personal favorite recording of anything we ever did.


Hardcore, to me, is live music. I'm not saying I don't get siked when I listen to the Turning Point 7" or anything like that on my record player in my room. Nor am I saying it doesn't belong in a recording studio. I just feel it more in it's raw state of the present moment. Say, at a show, around my peers, executedly with just the necessary amount of skill and intensity, that's when it has more of a punch and a deeper cut into the soul. At the show, it's in the moment. Get it right or get it wrong. Doesn't matter to me. Just as long as the heart is there. Thinking back, one of the best live bands I ever saw was Stop & Think. Too busy jumping/skanking to play their instruments looked sick. You ask your average rando' on the street what he thinks of a live performance like that and they'll tell you someone needs a guitar lesson or two. You ask any genuine hardcore kid, they'll tell you that's whats up.


Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying the most awful sounding bands are the prized beacons of hardcore. It's the heart, the moxie, the punch, the spirit of youth they bring forth. Hyper-active doesn't necessarily means it's golden. You can find any of that pre-packaged rage shit at Warped Tour all damn day and night. But it's that ability to look beyond that materialistic fools-gold standard and find the remarkable momentous flare of life that allows one to connect with the comfort of identifying your life and your real interior make-up, with hardcore. It's also that sight that could have a 15-year-old from Massachusetts realistically think driving to Virginia on a Wednesday night to see Count Me Out's last show is a perfectly good idea[didn't get to go. no car]. It's certainly an esoteric culture only the chosen few are happy to belong to.

From the '2003 Demo' to 'Songs To Scream At the Sun', I was always satisfied with our recordings. Being young and new to the whole recording process, I can look back and wish we did a few things differently. We always came in with everything we had. And it was fun and enjoyable. Applying yourself, creatively and immortalizing it on vinyl. A good experience. But, nothing could match the feeling of stepping on the stage and putting it all out there on the floor. 10 people, 10000. We didn't care. The 30-40 minutes we had each night was a chance to let it all go. Something I realize now, a year later, is so incredibly rare and soothing to the soul. I can only hope that in those 30-40 minutes each night, some kid was able to recognize our understanding of that moment the way we did when we were young and watching Bane in Worchester or old Youth Of Today videos in our basements.


I think that's why beyond any professional standard frowning-upon sour notes, lack of singing blah blah doesn;t change my opinion that this recording of Have Heart is my personal favorite recording of anything we ever did. It's not polished like TTWC or without a missed chord like so many other studio recordings. It's a raw one take of just about everything we did together. If someone were to ask me to show them what my band sounded like, I'd give em this. It shows us as we were. not as we would have hoped to be. Everything from the mic passes during parts that belonged to the crowd, to the way we transitioned from song to song, to hearing our friends in the HHCrew goofing around in the background, to the pic slides, etc, etc. If you saw HH between 2002 and 2009, then you'd know that this audio and video was us even more so than our records themselves. We weren't perfect. We fucked up here and there. But I know for sure the heart was there.


So, if you're the type that can't stand something that doesn't measure up to the standards your average major label/mainstream culture puts forth, by all means, return this. Bitch about it to your friends, starts a pro-core band. Whatever you'd like. We're fine with that. We just feel a little sorry for you probably missing out on some classic hardcore bands over the years who never gave a shit about impressing anyone but themselves."


- Patrick MB Flynn/ 9.17.10

I wouldn't trade that for anything.

This is pretty much one of my favorite songs ever: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B1DIMpRjqFE

I'm posting something real later, but I wanted to post this song. It's been, like, this year's theme song. Listen to it, it's really great. It's one of those songs that I replay at least a hundred times before listening to something else. Even simple songs like this one can make someone feel a lot of feelings. And that's all, dudes.

Agent - "I'm F*ucking Sick Of People Leaving And Not Saying Goodbye" 
"I was wondering
If you thought about those days as much as I?
We'd attempt to forget about life, and get on our bikes and ride.
And we'd think about never coming back.

And if I had to leave, then bury me
Where the counties meet.

And know that: This place was all I had.
People left but the waves came back"